Articles...
This submission is from Erin with our team.
A New Flower
By Erin
A little over two years ago we were blessed with the birth of our first grandson, Royal. I sat with our daughter and her boyfriend through hours and hours of a miserable labor with the possibility of a cesarean delivery hanging overhead. Several of the ever-changing parade of doctors had told our daughter that if the baby doesn’t start moving down more, then a cesarean would be the thing to do. My heart so ached seeing our poor little girl struggle with that thought along with the pain of labor. Finally after a much needed spinal block for our daughter she was able to relax enough and through much prayer he finally arrived by traditional means at 3:01 PM to a much-relieved mom, dad and grandma! So tiny, perfect, fresh and new!
My own mother had passed away in 1995. At that time our children were still so young. They never really got to know her as I had hoped they would. How my heart longed to share those moments in their lives that she would have been so proud of. You see, my mom was a career woman and it’s not a path I chose for myself. My career was being a mother. I missed that in my mom a lot when I was growing up and I had always craved her attention….always wanted her to be proud of me in some way. I mean, I knew she was, I guess, but she didn’t say it very often. She was also an alcoholic which I didn’t fully realize until after she was gone. There had been so much I had wanted to share with her while she was living but had been unable to fully develop the relationship I dreamt of due to her illness. There was so much I had to let go of. Blaming myself for that relationship not being what I wanted. When she passed, I was so grief stricken...not only that she was gone, but that there was no more time for that mother/daughter thing I had always wanted….always craved. I thought she was distant before, and now there was no way to make up any closeness we could have had. I was angry at first….at myself, and then at God for taking her away before I could work things out! It took a lot of prayer and writing down all my thoughts to come to the realization that because of her illness, no matter how long she lived, we may never have had what I wanted from our relationship. It wasn’t meant to be and no matter what I tried, it wouldn’t have made us any closer. She was who she was, and I grew to be who I am, and we were different. Slowly a mighty thing called forgiveness came into my life. First I had to forgive myself and allow myself to own my feelings of anger and loss. To know that God wasn’t going to condemn me for being angry…even at Him! Then I slowly began to forgive my mother. She did the best she could do with all she had. I knew she really did love me and life just got in the way.
During this time I also lost my dad due to bone cancer. He and I talked a lot with each other, and I felt that I could tell him anything. From the loss of my mother, I wanted to not leave anything unsaid with my dad so I’d call him no matter what time of day or whatever just to talk. He passed in the fall and I felt the anger with God rising in my soul. I didn’t want to go through what I had with my mother, and my relationship with my dad was different than my mom. We were closer…we did talk….and write….but still… I felt so alone and I knew I’d need something pretty to look forward to so I started planting some bulbs in our new yard. How could God take both of my parents from me when I still needed them so much? The good Lord and I had some talking to do….which we did, sometimes at 4 in the morning when I decided to move daylilies. I dug and planted, and dug and planted and went to nurseries and spent half of what I earned. I threw seeds and planted vines and bought trees and stuffed shrubs in wherever I felt. And I talked with God…and I prayed, asking Him to remove the anger from my heart. I really didn’t want to be angry. That spring, the most amazing thing happened…I walked outside, and tulips were blooming. The scent of hyacinth was heavy in the air, and it was nearly breath taking! Then it hit me….God had taken my anger, even my anger at Him for taking my parents, and He changed it into a peaceful, soul-warming thing of absolute beauty!
It’s not that I was particularly thinking about my mom or dad that night when I first came home from everything finally being fine at the hospital after Royal’s birth. I was so incredibly relieved and just wanted to get some sleep and get back to snuggle this new little one! I fell asleep and began to dream. I was out in my garden just pulling weeds when I became aware of that feeling you get when you know you’re not alone. I noticed a woman in a simple print dress standing there admiring a flower I’d never seen before in my garden. She was so beautiful! Surrounded by a glow unlike anything I’d ever seen…and yet…she was so familiar! I knew that I knew this lady, but somehow it just didn’t dawn on me who she was. The flower which had her enchanted was one I’d never seen before myself…completely new and filled with possibility. It was a flower I surely did not remember ever planting or seeing in any gardening catalog or nursery. I couldn’t really figure out where it came from, but my gaze, however, was fixed on this woman who seemed so at peace, so happy. Her smile, so sweet…so filled with love and joy, warmed me to my very soul. Who is this and why is she here in my garden? Where did this flower come from? Just as I recognized my mother, I woke up. In the air I noticed the faint scent of Wind Song cologne…her favorite. I do keep a bottle of it even though I’m not keen on the scent, just because it was hers, but my bathroom where I keep it is on the other side of my house all together. It wasn’t just the cologne either…I could smell my mother.
It took a few moments to genuinely realize what had just happened. Then the tears began to flow. I know that my mom had been here. That she was stopping by to see the new “addition to my garden”, and that she is closer than I thought at times when I need her still. I don’t think I’d ever seen her look so joyful than she did in my dream that night. I couldn’t get over it, and don’t know that I ever want to get over it. Now I understand that relationships extend beyond this life we live each day. That those who come and go before us are still around to enjoy our victories and to celebrate with us in times of happiness. That truly, of all the spiritual gifts, love does indeed go on forever!